Alfred Adler, a contemporary of Sigmund Freud, was the first to emphasize the importance of birth order and how it affects our lives. He did not believe that it was a set of character traits set in stone, but rather a list of generalities, that in combination with the family environment, could be nurtured and developed. Adler's ideas were popularized by Dr. Kevin Leman in The Birth Order Book, first published in 1985.
There has been little research done to confirm or deny the effect of birth order on personality, yet it is often accepted as fact. Many of our presidents and most of our astronauts have been first-born sons. Does this mean that first-borns are more likely to become presidents? Or does it mean that the studies did not take enough parameters into consideration? If astronauts and presidents tend to come from wealthy families, and wealthier parents tend to have fewer children, then it is family size or economics and not birth order that affects whether your child will become president.
Personality Traits Dependent on Birth Order
Many parents can verify that first-borns do tend to be bossy, nurturing, assertive perfectionists. Second borns tend to be more affected by their peers. They often feel that they have to compete with their older sibling for their parents' attention, and either act like they are in a race to the top, or may become rebellious. Middle children often feel squeezed, and have neither the rights of a first-born or nor the extra attention and affection showered upon the youngest. The youngest tends to be babied, and therefore remains dependent. The youngest may align with the oldest against the middle child. The youngest may feel inferior, or may race to catch up with older siblings – being driven to excel.
If this seems obvious, then one wonders why there are even studies being done to either prove or disprove the theory. More importantly, how is this information useful? If you have a larger family, is there anything you can do to help your middle and younger children to feel as important as your first child?
Treat Each Child as an Individual
Go ahead and study the traits of first-borns, second borns, only children, middle children, and the baby of the family. See how your child fits the typical traits for his family position. But then use that information to help him grow beyond the stereotype. First-born children tend to be either nurturing reliable people-pleasers, or controlling assertive perfectionists. Help your child to build on his strengths while understanding and accepting his weaknesses. Help him to develop greater confidence and patience, yet let him know that you love him unconditionally – he doesn't have to measure up to a high standard in order to earn your respect.
Second born children tend to be either impatient, shy uptight loners, or laid-back, loud, outgoing and friendly. They tend to be flexible, diplomatic, competitive peace-makers. You can help the shy middle child develop better interpersonal skills. The laid-back middle child needs to learn how to set goals and keep on task. Competitive children can be encouraged in sports or clubs where that competition can find a healthy outlet.
Last born children tend to be immature, secretive, and attention-seeking. They are also outgoing, affectionate and caring. You can help the baby of your family be more mature, by allowing him to grow up. You can give him responsibilities and see that he follows through. Get your youngest a diary or journal for keeping secrets in, but make sure you explain the difference between secrets that are meant to be kept and the ones that are best to tell an adult.
There may be more variables in birth order. For instance, the second born may have some first-born traits, if he is the first born son. The youngest may have character traits of an only child, if there is a wide gap between him and his older siblings. And only children do not have the same traits as first-borns. Only children tend to grow up very fast, but remain clingy and socially awkward. They are often more comfortable around adults than their peer group.
The importance isn't on whether the theory of birth order affects personality, but on how we see our children. I think Lillian Gilbreth said it best. When her husband Frank would boast that they had "only 12 children", she would calmly reply that they had "12 only children." With wisdom, patience, and love, you can raise a happy family. Contrary to popular opinion, it does not take a village to raise a child. Just an adult or two.
Sources:
Hartshorne, Joshua K., "How Birth Order Affects your Personality." Scientific American. January 11, 2010. (accessed November 1, 2010).
Leman, Dr. Kevin. The Birth Order Book, Why You are the Way You Are. Revel, 2009.
Murphy, Samantha. "The Effects of Birth Order on Personality." 2005 (accessed November 1, 2010).
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